8 Things No Man Can Do In A Manly Fashion

What an awesome article…stolen from http://omglists.blogfaction.com

As men, we spend a good portion of our time doing manly things. Unfortunately, there are certain things that have to be done on occasion that cause us to betray our specified gender roles. Here are 8 things that it’s tough to keep our Man Card while doing. Not even John Wayne could do the things on this list without sacrificing a little bit of his manliness.

8- Tie a ponytail

Long hair, especially when it’s tied off in a pony tail, is a perfectly fine look for women and girls but on men, it’s a little iffy. Thankfully, there are enough badass men who have rocked the pony tail for us to ever question a man’s decision to tie his long locks off into a hair whip. But have you ever watched a man actually tie his hair off into a pony tail? It doesn’t matter how manly or scary or metal the dude is: the sight of him gathering his hair together and then twisting a rubber band-or worse, one of those stretchy band things girls use-around the ensuing bundle is just plain wrong. We’re not saying pony tails on men are bad-unless you’re this guy, at which point, it is-but dude, if you’re going to rock one, do yourself a favor and tie if off in private because it totally makes you look like a wuss.

7- Jump rope

There’s no denying that jumping rope is an excellent form of cardiovascular exercise. It’s no wonder then that athletes have incorporated it into their training regimens. Boxers especially like jumping rope to get in shape for fights and boxers are some of the toughest dudes around-if your job involves standing in a ring and basically trying to beat another man’s face in, you, sir, are a badass. But that doesn’t detract from the fact that jumping rope is an inherently goofy thing for a man to do. Just watch this video montage of Sylvester Stallone training for his fight with Drago in Rocky 4. How badass does he look in that clip? He’s lugging huge logs out in the snow, lifting wagons full of people, chopping down trees with his manliness. Then watch as the action suddenly cuts to him jumping rope-compared to the rest of his training regimen, it looks completely out of place. What, did he leave his hopscotch tokens at home? Was it too cold to work in a sweat-inducing round of Duck, Duck, Goose? Seriously, couldn’t he have like wrestled a bear or something if he wanted to get his heart rate up?

6- Wear a tie-dyed shirt

There is just no manly way to wear a tie-dyed shirt. The bright trippy colors don’t help and neither does the ingrained association with hippies and stoners, two sub-groups of men who don’t exactly fill you with fear. You could take the gnarliest, snarliest dude, we’re talking some guy who looks like he got kicked off the set of Mad Max for taking his role too seriously and dress him up in a tie-dye shirt and you’d have no choice but to laugh at him. Yeah, he may kick your ass but instead of getting stomped by a badass, you’d be getting roughed up by a friendly rainbow wearing combat boots

5- Wear glasses

There’s nothing manly about glasses (no, we’re not talking about sunglasses, which are inherently cool). Let’s face it, it’s true, and we know because we’ve been wearing glasses our entire lives. They get in the way, they’ll forever be stigmatized as standard nerd gear and they’re a constant reminder that you are a flawed animal that wouldn’t survive out in the wild. Yes, if you have bad eye sight, you were never meant to breed and spill your faulty genes back into the gene pool. We’re not saying men can’t wear glasses-what we’re saying is is that glasses just don’t help you look tough. Think about it this way: Clark Kent wore glasses and he only became Superman when he took them off. In short, a pair of glasses was the only thing separating the Man of Steel from plain, ordinary mortal Clark Kent. Damn, we better call our Lasik doctor and move up that appointment pronto.

4- Talk about WoW

WoW is no longer the plaything of nerds and shut-ins. It has over 800 chamillion subscribers (we might be off by a few chamillions) so it stands to reason that at least a part of the fan base is comprised of people who you could rightfully consider to be badasses. Even Jean Claude Van Damme plays WoW, and he’s as badass as they come (yes, that’s sarcasm you just detected there). But we don’t care if you are a stereotypical gamer dork or an MMA cage fighter: start talking about that epic raid you went on last night with your level 60 Mage and you instantly become a candidate for the mayor of Nerdsville. Hell, Steven Segal could be kicking the living shit out of an entire army of ninjas and the minute he says something related to WoW, you’d think, “You are such a nerd.” Now that we mention it, Steven Segal also has a pony tail; we just imagined him talking about WoW while he pulls back his hair into a scrunchie and now we’re totally convinced ourselves that we could kick his ass.

3- Drink a juice box

Who doesn’t like juice? Dave Chappelle doesn’t–he likes drink. But all kidding aside, juice is good stuff. Now, we all grew up drinking juice and chances are, you’ve consume your fair share of juice boxes during your childhood. Those little rectangular containers were a staple of every boy’s life. But when you become a man, they become an instant manhood killer. Seriously, drink a juice box the next time you’re out in public and see if you don’t feel like a total idiot. You’re standing there gripping a tiny little box in your hands while sipping from a little white straw-you might as well be wearing Spongebob pajamas and begging your dad to take you Chuck E. Cheese while you’re at it. It’s too bad too because juice boxes have that cool nostalgic appeal but for all men, regardless of their lifestyle or image, they’re completely off limits.

2- Order a glass of wine at a bar

We’ll admit that we’re beer and hard liquor types but there is absolutely nothing wrong with a nice glass of wine. There are definitely times when wine is the preferred drink of choice. Say you take a girl out to a nice dinner: a bottle of wine is absolutely the right thing to order. But when you’re out at a bar getting a couple of drinks with the fellas, there’s just no manly way to order a glass of red or house white, especially when your alternatives are a glass of beer or a shot of Jack. Think about it this way: imagine Clint Eastwood in his Man With No Name persona walking into a saloon. He ambles up to the barkeep and says in his gruff voice, “Give me your best pinot.” Yeah, it just doesn’t work, does it? If one of the manliest characters in all of movie history can’t pull it off, what chance do you have?

1- Apply lip balm

Just because you’re a man doesn’t mean you can’t get chapped lips. Men go outside, they stand in the sun, they face the wind-chapped lips are just a fact of life. But very few men actually address this easy to solve problem-Protip: avoid Chapstick and go with a more natural product like Burt’s Bees instead-and we think we know why: it’s impossible to apply lip balm without looking like a total weirdo. First, you have to make that pouty lip face, which is bad enough, then you have to actually apply the lip balm and after all that, you have to grind your lips together like two horny teenagers dry humping in the back seat of a Camaro. And if you’re not careful, you’re left with lips that look like you’ve just got done kissing the chest of a greased up professional wrestler. Having chapped lips sucks but considering what you have to go through to fix it, maybe it’s not so bad after all.


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