Drinking and Driving Do’s and Don’ts 2

Drinking and Driving for Dummies

Chapter 2

By Party Pam

Now let’s just assume for conversation sake that you are a responsible pro active drunk driver and you took all of the suggested precautions in lesson 1. You’ve got an attorney all lined up, you know the bus routes, you’ve arranged for a ride from jail, etc. So out you go drinking and driving. This would lead to the inevitable chat with the police officer. This is a crucial moment and must be handled correctly!

PLEASE PAY ATTENTION!

Do’s!

Do – Assume that the officer has pulled you over because he is in-between calls and would just like to chat. Although keep in mind it is key that you control the conversation. Take some tips from Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham. The police did a few checks and then let her go on her way. Unlike Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie who seem to turn a simple traffic stop into an extended jail stay.

Do – If the Officer is the opposite sex, play the sex card (similar to the race card, but way more fun!) A little cleavage can go along way! Unless you are boxer Oscar De La Hoya that is.

Do – Carry a bag of Doritos in your car, the donuts is just a myth, they really love salt.

Do – Buy a Trunk Monkey. If you have ran your car into a ditch, you will want to quickly remove one wheel before the police arrive, it helps it appear as an accident.    Awesome Trunk Monkey video here.

Do – Practice your conversation you’ll be having with the Police officer. It’s best to practice with someone who doesn’t know you well so they don’t bring a bias into their observation. I would suggest perhaps asking your mailman if he (or she) would have just a moment to listen and offer some positive feedback. Steve Carell might listen, he used to be a mailman.

Do – Speak in a very soft sing song manner. If you see their eye start to glaze over, it’s a good time to raise up your keys and swing them gently in front of the officers face. It’s alright to leave them standing by the side of the road. Another officer will eventually happen along.

Don’ts!

Don’t – Assume that the officer has pulled you over to discuss your immediate condition. It’s like the neighbor coming over. You automatically assume he wants to talk about his missing chain saw, when he really wanted to ask you where you got your jeans! So no assumptions, very important!

Don’t – Mention politics. If the officer is not up on the latest issues they could begin to feel inferior and have a sudden need to show who is in control (especially if he is a Democrat!) Here is a small list of subjects to avoid. They are guaranteed to get someone all riled up. 1. Qur’an burning 2. immigration laws 3. legalizing gay marriage. These are touchy subjects…Just ask these congressman.

Don’t – Act like you are about to get sick. This is very effective when on a blind date, however police tend to associate this with drinking. Exactly what you don’t want. If you are getting sick, don’t let your daughter get pictures and then paste them on the Internet! Just ask David Hasselhoff the former star of Baywatch.

Don’t – Ask why he pulled you over. As soon as approaches the vehicle start talking. You need to set the ground rules immediately, you control the conversation, he does not. Taylor Swift needs some conversation control lessons, she should have slapped that jerk Kanye West right up-side his head!

Don’t – Offer the officer a sip of your beer if you have an open container. It is illegal for them to drink on the job. Though they might want to show they are just one of the guys and take a sip, they really could get into trouble.

So here’s how the conversation would go. Officer approaches your vehicle, you open your window and with a big smile you say “Oh hi! (long lost friend, now they’re trying to place you). It’s so great to see you! You haven’t changed a bit! (keep talking, no chance for him to respond) Wow I don’t even know how long it’s been. You sure look great! Well listen, I got to run, it sure was good seeing you!”. Now slowly drive off. A small wave and big smile and you should be down the road!

Of coarse keep in mind this is not a guarantee that your officer isn’t going to decide he’s got someone in the holding tank already who would greatly benefit from spending the evening and quite possibly the enter night in your company. So if you have somewhere you want to be the following day or a job you would like yo keep, I would strongly encourage you NOT TO DRINK AND DRIVE!  If you do drink, get on a Party Bus to do it!

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