Drinking and Driving Do’s and Don’ts

Drinking & Driving for Dummies

By Party Pam

Chapter 1

Ok, so it’s just a fact of life that there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are smart enough to not drink and drive and those who are not that smart. If you find yourself falling into the category of the latter here are a few do’s and don’ts to help you navigate through your lapse in judgement.

Do’s

Do – Make prior arrangements with one of your friends to drive you to the
impound lot to get your car out. Now would also be a good time to tell them that you will let them borrow your car while your license is suspended if they’ll take you to the DUI classes (don’t mention that they’ll have to get insurance cause you’ve been dropped, no point in spoiling the mood!)

Do – Wear loose clothing, you don’t want to feel restricted while walking a straight line.

Do – Drive around with a goat in your trunk! On June 11th, a police officer in Bedford County Virginia pulled over a woman named Fiona Enderby for suspected DUI and discovered that she had a goat locked up in her trunk. The Sheriff’s Deputy “liberated” the animal and turned him over to new owners at a local farm, Johnson’s Orchards. The goat was humorously rechristened “Trunk” and, according to a local affiliate news source, he is getting a royal treatment now – “a fenced and aerated room, with a creek and plenty of trees for shade…and several other goats to play with, including female goats”.

Do – Moon the police! or not.

Do – Allow enough time for the ink to dry on your fingers before you touch anything. Though it is true that Nordstrom will take anything back, they’ll know you’re lying when you tell them the black smears were on the shirt when you bought it. And of course somehow, as if by magic your mother will find out about the lie, and then you’ve got that to deal with

Do – Familiarize yourself with the bus routes, once your license is suspended you’ll be finding the bus real handy, and just think of all the new friends you’ll be making on the bus!

Do – Plan on canceling that vacation, you’ll be wanting your money for your $10000 attorney. Some of them may take payments,which is why its a good idea to maintain great credit so you can take out a second mortgage on your home

Do – Let your friends know to leave their cell phones on for that call from jail at three in the morning. This is why you always want to keep a list of any and all favors you have ever done for anyone. You may need to give them a gentle reminder

Do – Give a fake name to the bail bondsmen in your phone, no point in starting ugly rumors. But make sure that the name you choose doesn’t cause suspicion with your significant other. If you have girlfriend, make it a man’s name and visa versa

Do – Wear your safety belt, no point in going through the wind shield when you hit that pesky telephone pole

Do – Wear clean underwear, remember what your mother said! She was, is, and always will be right!

Now for the don’ts. Though these may seem like obvious, little things, they are all equally important. They’re a lot like walking through a mine field, or think of it as not wearing deodorant on that first date. You might get lucky, but probably not.

Don’ts

Don’t – Use your booking photo on your pass port to save money. Though getting out of the country with this photo on your pass port may be a breeze, it can be quite dicey when you get to your destination, particularly going though customs

Don’t – Ask that nice policemen if he’d like to see a picture of Ben Franklin. That’s called bribery and the next thing you know, here comes another squad car with Paris Hilton in the back

Don’t – Get sick in the back of the cop car, think of how messy this can get. You get sick, throw up on your shirt, it runs down onto the car seat. The cop turns the corner, now you slide into it. Easily avoided, just don’t get sick!

Don’t – Call the cop “Buddy, Pal, Brother” he’s not your friend. And if the officer happens to be a female, calling her “Sweetie” is even worse. They just don’t seem to warm up to these terms so don’t even try

Don’t – Tell the officer how good he looks in his uniform. If it’s a male officer, he will think your hitting on him. If it’s a female officer, she’ll immediately think she’s fat. Bingo, instant bad mood!

Don’t – Act like Mel Gibson! Calling a female officer “sugar-t*ts” and then stating “F#cking Jews…the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world” will be very embarrassing when its broad casted all over the news.

Don’t – Plan on that promotion. Bosses have a way of finding out about these sorts of things(Google, Facebook, Myspace, etc…). Telling them it was a big misunderstanding is like throwing gas on the “I knew we never should have hired you” bon fire! To make matters worse, no time will be wasted with spreading the ever popular “told you so” to every corner of the office

Don’t – Tell the cop that you have a middle ear infection or a concussion(Anne Bremner). Though it is true that a middle ear infection will effect your equilibrium, it will not explain the slurred speech when you tell the nice officer that “you haaaave a muddddle eeear infffffection”.

Don’t – Fall off your bicycle while holding a beer bong (Snooki from the MTV show Jersey Shore). Snooki could have been thrown in the slammer for 90 days, but the judge let her off with 2 days community service and a $533 fine

Now there are quite a few do’s and don’ts here. But the biggest don’t of all is really simple. DONT DRINK AND DRIVE! Call a cab! Walk! Get a Limo! Rollerskate! Or best of all…get a PARTY BUS!

Be smart, don ‘t drink and drive

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