Drinking and Driving for Dummies
By Party Pam
A Do’s and Don’ts List from the Staff at
Ok, so it’s just a fact of life that there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are smart enough to not drink and drive and those who are not that smart. If you find yourself falling into the category of the latter here are a few do’s and don’ts to help you navigate through your lapse in judgement. (The third kind of person rented a Seattle Party Bus and drank while we drove.)
Do – Make prior arrangements with one of your friends to drive you to the impound lot to get your car out. Now would also be a good time to tell them that you will let them borrow your car while your license is suspended if they’ll take you to the DUI classes (don’t mention that they’ll have to get insurance because you’ve been dropped — no point in spoiling the mood!)
Do – Wear loose clothing. You don’t want to feel restricted while walking a straight line.
Do – Drive around with a goat in your trunk!(sorry…no goats allowed on the Party Bus) On June 11th, a police officer in Bedford County Virginia pulled over a woman named Fiona Enderby for suspected DUI and discovered that she had a goat locked up in her trunk. The Sheriff’s Deputy “liberated” the animal and turned him over to new owners at a local farm, Johnson’s Orchards. The goat was humorously rechristened “Trunk” and, according to a local affiliate news source, he is getting a royal treatment now – “a fenced and aerated room, with a creek and plenty of trees for shade…and several other goats to play with, including female goats.”
Do – Moon the police! or not.
Do – Allow enough time for the ink to dry on your fingers before you touch anything. Though it is true that Nordstroms will take anything back, they’ll know you’re lying when you tell them the black smears were on the shirt when you bought it. And of course somehow, as if by magic, your mother will find out about the lie, and then you’ve got that to deal with.
Do – Familiarize yourself with the city bus routes. Once your license is suspended, you’ll be finding the bus real handy, and just think of all the new friends you’ll be making on the bus! (I guarantee they won’t be as cool as anyone on the Party Bus)
Do – Plan on canceling that vacation. You’ll be wanting your money for your $10,000 attorney. Some of them may take payments, which is why it’s a good idea to maintain great credit so you can take out a second mortgage on your home.
Do – Let your friends know to leave their cell phones on for that call from jail at three in the morning. This is why you always want to keep a list of any and all favors you have ever done for anyone. You may need to give them a gentle reminder.
Do – Give a fake name to the bail bondsmen in your phone. No point in starting ugly rumors. But make sure that the name you choose doesn’t cause suspicion with your significant other. If you have a girlfriend, make it a man’s name and visa versa.
Do – Wear your safety belt. No point in going through the windshield when you hit that pesky telephone pole.
Do – Wear clean underwear. Remember what your mother said! She was, is, and always will be right!
Now for the Don’ts. Though these may seem like obvious, little things, they are all equally important. They’re a lot like walking through a mine field, or think of it as not wearing deodorant on that first date. You might get lucky, but probably not.
Don’t – Use your booking photo on your passport to save money. Though getting out of the country with this photo on your passport may be a breeze, it can be quite dicey when you get to your destination, particularly going though customs.
Don’t – Ask that nice policemen if he’d like to see a picture of Ben Franklin. That’s called bribery and the next thing you know, here comes another squad car with Paris Hilton in the back.
Don’t – Get sick in the back of the cop car. Think of how messy this can get. You get sick, throw up on your shirt, it runs down onto the car seat. The cop turns the corner, now you slide into it. Easily avoided, just don’t get sick! Never ever throw up on a Party Bus!!
Don’t – Call the cop “Buddy, Pal, Brother” — he’s not your friend. And if the officer happens to be a female, calling her “Sweetie” is even worse. They just don’t seem to warm up to these terms so don’t even try.
Don’t – Tell the officer how good he looks in his uniform. If it’s a male officer, he will think your hitting on him. If it’s a female officer, she’ll immediately think she’s fat. Bingo, instant bad mood!
Don’t – Act like Mel Gibson! Calling a female officer “sugar-t*ts” and then shouting un-PC slurs will be very embarrassing when it’s broadcasted all over the news.
Don’t – Plan on that promotion. Bosses have a way of finding out about these sorts of things (Google, Facebook, Myspace, etc…). Telling them it was a big misunderstanding is like throwing gas on the “I knew we never should have hired you” bonfire! To make matters worse, no time will be wasted with spreading the ever popular “told you so” to every corner of the office.
Don’t – Tell the cop that you have a middle ear infection or a concussion (Anne Bremner). Though it is true that a middle ear infection will affect your equilibrium, it will not explain the slurred speech when you tell the nice officer that “you haaaave a muddddle eeear infffffection.”
Don’t – Fall off your bicycle while holding a beer bong (Snooki from the MTV show Jersey Shore). Snooki could have been thrown in the slammer for 90 days, but the judge let her off with 2 days community service and a $533 fine.
Now there are quite a few Do’s and Don’ts here. But the biggest Don’t of all is really simple. DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE! Call a cab! Walk! Get a Limo! Rollerskate! Or best of all…get a bus from Seattle Party Bus Rentals.
Be smart– don’t drink and drive.