Posts Tagged ‘Dui’

Drinking and Driving Do’s and Don’ts 3

Wednesday, October 13th, 2010

Drinking and Driving Do’s and Don’ts
Chapter 3

So we all know life can just not go as planned some times. You are a conscientious  responsible person. You believe you have played by “life’s rules”, and yet you did not receive the expected out come. Now you find yourself in the back of a police car and on your way to jail. Here again there do’s and don’ts. However these do’s and don’ts are really in a category all there own. Unlike the previous ones, where by not adhering to them may cause a small inconvenience such as losing your car and job, not adhering to these may actually have physical implications (loss of teeth, etc.) so once again…

PLEASE PAY ATTENTION!

Do – Tell the officer that you would really much rather sit in front. Sitting in back just seems so pretentious. And really, you hate receiving any type of special treatment.

Do – Smile when they take your picture. It’s just like when you look at those old photos’s of grandma and she just looks so darn unhappy. Your not paying through the nose here for a professional photographer here, it’s free. Might as well give a big ol’ toothy grin.

Do – Ask if they wouldn’t mind periodically checking for messages on your phone. Let them know that you receive automatic updates from the liquor store when beer goes on sale. And you’d be appreciative if they would keep an eye on that for you. (there might even be a six pack in it for them!)

Do – Also, with a real sweet face, ask if it isn’t too much trouble, would they mind finding a charger and plugging in your phone (Can’t get those updates if the phones dead!)

Do – Introduce yourself to everyone once you have been put into a cell. A nice warm firm handshake will set everyone at ease. It tells them “Hey I might be someone you’d like to get to know better.” You can’t have too any friends!

Don’ts

Don’t – Give the officer driving tips while on your way to the station. It’s kind of a macho thing with them. Personally, I think it’s just the typical “A” personality type that goes for these kinds of jobs. They just don’t take direction well from others.

Don’t – Ask the officer to turn on his lights and siren for you. We want to be sure that this is only used for real emergencies. The public wouldn’t take them seriously if they were used for our entertainment.

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Don’t – Ask the officer if he would mind putting your extra beer in the fridge when you get to the station. You’ve already asked him about your phone, let’s not over do it!

Don’t – Once you’re in jail, don’t just tell your Social Security number to your cellmate who is going to help you with your taxes. He’ll never remember it. Ask an officer for a piece of paper and write it down.

Don’t – Try to pass the time by starting a sing along. Some of your associates may not be able to carry a tune and spoil it for everyone. If you write poetry you might ask if they you like to hear some.

Don’t – Try to pass the time playing games that require paper and pencil like Hangman, you won’t have writing implements. Make it something simple and fun like, Duck, Duck, Goose! Musical chairs, easy stuff like that works great. And who couldn’t use the exercise!

Don’t – Talk about your love life in jail, no point stirring up natural desires. And for goodness sake DON’T BEND OVER TO PICK UP THE THE SOAP IN THE SHOWER!

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Drinking and Driving Do’s and Don’ts 2

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

Drinking and Driving for Dummies

Chapter 2

By Party Pam

Now let’s just assume for conversation sake that you are a responsible pro active drunk driver and you took all of the suggested precautions in lesson 1. You’ve got an attorney all lined up, you know the bus routes, you’ve arranged for a ride from jail, etc. So out you go drinking and driving. This would lead to the inevitable chat with the police officer. This is a crucial moment and must be handled correctly!

PLEASE PAY ATTENTION!

Do’s!

Do – Assume that the officer has pulled you over because he is in-between calls and would just like to chat. Although keep in mind it is key that you control the conversation. Take some tips from Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham. The police did a few checks and then let her go on her way. Unlike Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie who seem to turn a simple traffic stop into an extended jail stay.

Do – If the Officer is the opposite sex, play the sex card (similar to the race card, but way more fun!) A little cleavage can go along way! Unless you are boxer Oscar De La Hoya that is.

Do – Carry a bag of Doritos in your car, the donuts is just a myth, they really love salt.

Do – Buy a Trunk Monkey. If you have ran your car into a ditch, you will want to quickly remove one wheel before the police arrive, it helps it appear as an accident.    Awesome Trunk Monkey video here.

Do – Practice your conversation you’ll be having with the Police officer. It’s best to practice with someone who doesn’t know you well so they don’t bring a bias into their observation. I would suggest perhaps asking your mailman if he (or she) would have just a moment to listen and offer some positive feedback. Steve Carell might listen, he used to be a mailman.

Do – Speak in a very soft sing song manner. If you see their eye start to glaze over, it’s a good time to raise up your keys and swing them gently in front of the officers face. It’s alright to leave them standing by the side of the road. Another officer will eventually happen along.

Don’ts!

Don’t – Assume that the officer has pulled you over to discuss your immediate condition. It’s like the neighbor coming over. You automatically assume he wants to talk about his missing chain saw, when he really wanted to ask you where you got your jeans! So no assumptions, very important!

Don’t – Mention politics. If the officer is not up on the latest issues they could begin to feel inferior and have a sudden need to show who is in control (especially if he is a Democrat!) Here is a small list of subjects to avoid. They are guaranteed to get someone all riled up. 1. Qur’an burning 2. immigration laws 3. legalizing gay marriage. These are touchy subjects…Just ask these congressman.

Don’t – Act like you are about to get sick. This is very effective when on a blind date, however police tend to associate this with drinking. Exactly what you don’t want. If you are getting sick, don’t let your daughter get pictures and then paste them on the Internet! Just ask David Hasselhoff the former star of Baywatch.

Don’t – Ask why he pulled you over. As soon as approaches the vehicle start talking. You need to set the ground rules immediately, you control the conversation, he does not. Taylor Swift needs some conversation control lessons, she should have slapped that jerk Kanye West right up-side his head!

Don’t – Offer the officer a sip of your beer if you have an open container. It is illegal for them to drink on the job. Though they might want to show they are just one of the guys and take a sip, they really could get into trouble.

So here’s how the conversation would go. Officer approaches your vehicle, you open your window and with a big smile you say “Oh hi! (long lost friend, now they’re trying to place you). It’s so great to see you! You haven’t changed a bit! (keep talking, no chance for him to respond) Wow I don’t even know how long it’s been. You sure look great! Well listen, I got to run, it sure was good seeing you!”. Now slowly drive off. A small wave and big smile and you should be down the road!

Of coarse keep in mind this is not a guarantee that your officer isn’t going to decide he’s got someone in the holding tank already who would greatly benefit from spending the evening and quite possibly the enter night in your company. So if you have somewhere you want to be the following day or a job you would like yo keep, I would strongly encourage you NOT TO DRINK AND DRIVE!  If you do drink, get on a Party Bus to do it!

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Drinking and Driving Do’s and Don’ts

Sunday, September 12th, 2010

Drinking & Driving for Dummies

By Party Pam

Chapter 1

Ok, so it’s just a fact of life that there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are smart enough to not drink and drive and those who are not that smart. If you find yourself falling into the category of the latter here are a few do’s and don’ts to help you navigate through your lapse in judgement.

Do’s

Do – Make prior arrangements with one of your friends to drive you to the
impound lot to get your car out. Now would also be a good time to tell them that you will let them borrow your car while your license is suspended if they’ll take you to the DUI classes (don’t mention that they’ll have to get insurance cause you’ve been dropped, no point in spoiling the mood!)

Do – Wear loose clothing, you don’t want to feel restricted while walking a straight line.

Do – Drive around with a goat in your trunk! On June 11th, a police officer in Bedford County Virginia pulled over a woman named Fiona Enderby for suspected DUI and discovered that she had a goat locked up in her trunk. The Sheriff’s Deputy “liberated” the animal and turned him over to new owners at a local farm, Johnson’s Orchards. The goat was humorously rechristened “Trunk” and, according to a local affiliate news source, he is getting a royal treatment now – “a fenced and aerated room, with a creek and plenty of trees for shade…and several other goats to play with, including female goats”.

Do – Moon the police! or not.

Do – Allow enough time for the ink to dry on your fingers before you touch anything. Though it is true that Nordstrom will take anything back, they’ll know you’re lying when you tell them the black smears were on the shirt when you bought it. And of course somehow, as if by magic your mother will find out about the lie, and then you’ve got that to deal with

Do – Familiarize yourself with the bus routes, once your license is suspended you’ll be finding the bus real handy, and just think of all the new friends you’ll be making on the bus!

Do – Plan on canceling that vacation, you’ll be wanting your money for your $10000 attorney. Some of them may take payments,which is why its a good idea to maintain great credit so you can take out a second mortgage on your home

Do – Let your friends know to leave their cell phones on for that call from jail at three in the morning. This is why you always want to keep a list of any and all favors you have ever done for anyone. You may need to give them a gentle reminder

Do – Give a fake name to the bail bondsmen in your phone, no point in starting ugly rumors. But make sure that the name you choose doesn’t cause suspicion with your significant other. If you have girlfriend, make it a man’s name and visa versa

Do – Wear your safety belt, no point in going through the wind shield when you hit that pesky telephone pole

Do – Wear clean underwear, remember what your mother said! She was, is, and always will be right!

Now for the don’ts. Though these may seem like obvious, little things, they are all equally important. They’re a lot like walking through a mine field, or think of it as not wearing deodorant on that first date. You might get lucky, but probably not.

Don’ts

Don’t – Use your booking photo on your pass port to save money. Though getting out of the country with this photo on your pass port may be a breeze, it can be quite dicey when you get to your destination, particularly going though customs

Don’t – Ask that nice policemen if he’d like to see a picture of Ben Franklin. That’s called bribery and the next thing you know, here comes another squad car with Paris Hilton in the back

Don’t – Get sick in the back of the cop car, think of how messy this can get. You get sick, throw up on your shirt, it runs down onto the car seat. The cop turns the corner, now you slide into it. Easily avoided, just don’t get sick!

Don’t – Call the cop “Buddy, Pal, Brother” he’s not your friend. And if the officer happens to be a female, calling her “Sweetie” is even worse. They just don’t seem to warm up to these terms so don’t even try

Don’t – Tell the officer how good he looks in his uniform. If it’s a male officer, he will think your hitting on him. If it’s a female officer, she’ll immediately think she’s fat. Bingo, instant bad mood!

Don’t – Act like Mel Gibson! Calling a female officer “sugar-t*ts” and then stating “F#cking Jews…the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world” will be very embarrassing when its broad casted all over the news.

Don’t – Plan on that promotion. Bosses have a way of finding out about these sorts of things(Google, Facebook, Myspace, etc…). Telling them it was a big misunderstanding is like throwing gas on the “I knew we never should have hired you” bon fire! To make matters worse, no time will be wasted with spreading the ever popular “told you so” to every corner of the office

Don’t – Tell the cop that you have a middle ear infection or a concussion(Anne Bremner). Though it is true that a middle ear infection will effect your equilibrium, it will not explain the slurred speech when you tell the nice officer that “you haaaave a muddddle eeear infffffection”.

Don’t – Fall off your bicycle while holding a beer bong (Snooki from the MTV show Jersey Shore). Snooki could have been thrown in the slammer for 90 days, but the judge let her off with 2 days community service and a $533 fine

Now there are quite a few do’s and don’ts here. But the biggest don’t of all is really simple. DONT DRINK AND DRIVE! Call a cab! Walk! Get a Limo! Rollerskate! Or best of all…get a PARTY BUS!

Be smart, don ‘t drink and drive

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